


Blue Year

by JustAFlick



Series: The New Years [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-21 06:14:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11351547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAFlick/pseuds/JustAFlick
Summary: As Leia faces a new year without Han, a message comes through that changes everything.  Set three months before ROTJ.  Part IV or The New Years Story Cycle.





	Blue Year

Leia had the feeling she was swimming. Her hard, long, precise strokes cut through the water. Her body heaved and seized as she moved forward, towards a destination that was so brilliantly clear in her mind. And yet, she just kept swimming. Forward, longer, harder, stronger, sure, sure, sure. And then not. What if her forward was backward? What if her arms were giving out? What if the destination that she had held in her mind for so long was only a dream, and she was on a planet covered entirely in water?

Leia dragged in a breath as she heard her name called in a sharp, ringing voice.

She looked up and remembered where she was. With the Alliance. On a planet that was 63% covered in water. In the middle of yet another fucking meeting.

"Mon," Leia ground out, staring down the woman in front of her.

"What is the status on Mission 2207?"

Leia swallowed, "Inconclusive."

Mon looked grim, edging on empathetic. Leia could feel the barely concealed judgement, the thoughts practically slipping from Mon's brain to hers. A waste of resources. A waste of time. A hopeless cause.

"Please alert us to any changes," she said in a low, measured tone.

* * *

 

Leia burst into the hallway, fighting against a crowded of rowdy pilots making their way towards the mess. Everyone was happy, filled with the manic energy of an approaching party. They were grateful to be alive and determined to make the most of it for this one evening.

Leia's heart lurched as she thought yet again of the night to come. She would attend the party, she would show her face, maybe even smile once or twice, but there would be one glaring absence that would gnaw at her until she made it back to her quarters into the welcome oblivion of sleep.

She tried not to think of it as she found a small door tucked into the side of the hallway and punched a code into the frame. It slid open, revealing little more than a closet, but the most important place in the universe to Princess Leia Organa.

She slid into the lone chair, a rickety thing she had taken from a conference room upon learning it was broken. It listed a little to the left, but the bantha skin was worn and soft and the arm rests were low enough for Leia's slight frame.

Flipping on some switches, Leia slid the head phones over her braids and listened for a moment. There was nothing to listen to, but the door and the headpiece gave her a sense of peace and a moment of respite that she rarely had these days. There wasn't any time for that anymore.

The feeling returned, of slicing through water, of drowning just a little more with every tired stroke.

"Gambler's Bluff, come in."

Her voice sounded a parsec away through the headphones. She turned up the volume and listened intently for a moment.

Nothing.

"Gambler's Bluff, come in. This is Scoundress."

A bit of static came through and Leia scrambled to balance out the frequencies.

"Chewie?" she said into the dim quiet of the room.

Nothing.

Chewbacca and Lando had left over a month ago on a tip that had taken them far past the Outer Rim. Keeping track of Boba Fett had turned out to be impossible in the months directly following Bespin. Their original plan of heading him off in the desert of Tatooine had failed spectacularly when the bounty hunter had never shown. Smarter than he seemed, it had become clear he was determined to wait them out and keep his prize hidden away.

What had followed had been the grimmest game of hide and seek that Leia could ever imagine. Chewie and Lando scoured the scum of the universe, Leia searched the air waves, and Luke wound his way through the Force, but none of them had managed to pinpoint the Bounty Hunter in time.

The latest intel had taken the pair into a star cluster famous for jamming ships' communications and fabled to be the resting place of too many spacers. Leia had tried to protest, but the desire for him, the ache that burned in her heart day in and day out had been too much to resist. She comforted herself with the knowledge that nothing from her lips could have stopped the wandering duo. Each had a life debt of their own to repay, and repay it they very well might.

"Gambler's Bluff, you are clear for landing," Leia said, "Sentries have been notified for a manual landing if need be."

They were supposed to arrive back today. This was the latest rendezvous they had all agreed on. Today was the last day before the worry really started.

Leia snorted at this.

Worry was what she lived with. Worry was all she had.

What if they never found him? What if she had to give up? What if she had to move on?

Leia had always been a stoic, ready to do the thing that must be done. But for some reason, this thing, this one hope - the hope of seeing her beloved's face one million more times - wouldn't be parted with. It clung to her hips and burrowed into her hair and kissed her lips again and again with the promise of one day, this time, you'll see.

She leaned back in her chair as she listened to the silence, overwhelmed once again with his presence.

Knowing Han Solo had been something she wasn't prepared for.

She had thought of kissing him, fantasized about sleeping with him, but she'd never really contemplated the intimacy of love.

It was a sort of imprinting, an osmosis, that stayed with you long after the subject was gone. She could still feel his hands, still breath his scent, still hear his voice is in the shell of her ear. All it took was a little silence, and the reality of him rushed back in.

"You're gonna get space sick."

The rumble of his baritone tickled her senses as strong arms wrapped around her from behind.

"You always say that," she whispered, loathe to disturb the serene blankness of space. She had crept down to the gun turret sometime in the middle of the night. Of course, there were no real nights here on a hunk of junk drifting slowly toward a foreign planet. There were just the times they ate, the times they slept, and the times they made love.

Han kissed the side of her neck, choosing to answer with her favorite method. He traced a path up to her earlobe and nibbled on it for a moment, sparking little lightning bolts and rolling little breaths of thunder.

He didn't ask her why she woke in the middle of the night. Sometimes Leia wanted him to, other times she was relieved he didn't. It seemed to go without saying. Where was Luke? When would they arrive? Why did she have this gnawing, aching fear of what lay ahead?

No, Han didn't ask. But, he would pull her back in. When Leia would come down and drift out among the stars, tempted more by the blackness than those tiny balls of light, Han would seek her out and be her tether. Slowly but surely he would reel her back in with the touch of his fingers and the whisper of his lips.

"I dreamed about you again," he said, as he splayed a large, workman's hand against her belly. He dropped a kiss on the top of her head, then rested his chin there as he spoke. "We were swimming."

"You like that one," she whispered, feeling a little bit closer to the ship and her lover.

"I love that one," he said, the hint of a smile coloring his voice, "You were laughing, and I was—"

"Being a scoundrel?" Now Leia was smiling. She could swear she had had this one before too. The one where she laughed and he teased her, bobbing up and down, pinching her and puling her close.

"Nah…" he said, his hand sliding a little lower until his fingers brushed her waistband. "I was just watching you."

"Sounds like a boring dream," Leia sighed, as his fingers skimmed below the material and the heat bloomed within her like a summer gale off the shore of Aldera.

"The best kind," he said. And she understood, a little. Certainly, their lives weren't boring. What would she and Han do if they didn't have a war to fight or a new danger to face?

"Do you love me?" Leia said, as his hand slipped through her curls and toward its destination.

She felt a little guilty asking. She had yet to make her own feelings known and a little part of her (read: all of her) knew it bothered him. But, she was greedy and lonely and it was the surest way of bringing her back to their little piece of the universe.

"Yes," he breathed, already swept up in the tide of passion that so easily took them. "I love the way you laugh, and I love the way you don't sleep, and I love the feel of me inside you."

His fingers parted her folds and slid inside as his other hand grasped hers. He sucked her neck as he guided her hand upward, placing their joined fingers on her breast. Leia closed her eyes, finally blocking out the haunting vaccuum beyond and fully allowing herself to feel.

She never felt safer or more fully herself than when she was surrounded by him. The concept had scared her for the first couple weeks of their time on board the Falcon. But, at some point, she'd stopped caring. With so many calamities behind them and ahead, why struggle against something that felt so kreffing good?

And it did feel good. His lean, muscular body shielding her like a carapace. His fingers plumbing her warm, wet center. His tongue and teeth and breath gilding her neck. She felt like an idol, like a thing to be worshiped when she was in his embrace.

But it wasn't enough, it was never enough.

"Han," she breathed. "Han, let me kiss you."

"…kinda hard not to."

Leia shot up in her seat, heart pounding and head spinning. She looked wildly around the little room, sucking in a lungful of dust motes and quiet. A fine sheen of sweat broke out across her skin as the arousal dampened and spiky logic set in.

A dream. It was a—

"I know, I've made you…"

Leia dove for the controls, hands shaking and eyes filling. For a moment all she heard was static, loud and leering. Then a hiccup. Then that voice once again.

"Leia—I love you—"

"Han."

* * *

 

"Are you sure?" Luke said, frowning into the gloom.

Leia had brought him to the room after she had rung herself out from the tears that had fallen so freely after that hearing his voice for the first time in months.

9 months. Enough time to create a new life. And now they might get that chance.

Luke's eyes were closed, and Leia felt a prickle as the energy shifted in the room. It was a strange phenomena that she had only ever experienced with Luke. She knew he must be very powerful indeed if she could feel the atmosphere shift when he worked with the force.

"I can't feel him," he said.

Leia felt an irrational surge of hate at his words.

Luke's eyes popped open, "But, I can't feel any of them," he chided.

He'd been saying this for a month. Something about losing their scent the same way a dog might, once they went into the Semudia Nebula.

"I'm sorry," Leia said, as she felt the anger drain away. She could never stay mad at Luke and always felt awful when he'd catch her in a quick moment of temper.

He smiled at her, reaching out to squeeze her hand.

"You never have to say that," he said. "I know you don't mean it."

He made to move away, but Leia held onto him. They'd become undeniably close. Close in a way that made Leia wonder sometimes if Han would take issue. If she should take issue. But, it didn't feel wrong. It felt like both Luke and Han could have more than enough room in her heart.

"You aren't hearing it?"

Her voice sounded small, like a little girl's. And Luke squeezed her hand, beginning to shake his head. Then his blue eyes widened and his mouth went slack.

Leia's heart pounded while she watched Luke brighten then screw his face in concentration, adjust a knob or two then brighten again.

"He keeps cutting out."

Leia nodded eagerly, she'd already determined that the communications jam must still be in effect. But there was no question it was his voice. The same clear baritone, the same wry tone, the same shiver up her spine.

"He said something about being realistic then," Luke chuckled a bit, "definitely heard sweetheart and…" he closed his eyes, breathing patiently. "Calm down, Leia. I can't focus over you."

Leia let out a breath and took a few deep ones the way Luke had taught her. He said it made both of them better able to think clearly.

Then Luke smiled, "He says he could still make it."

Leia watched him like the most compelling holodrama on the interweb. Then he grimaced and broke there grasp pulling the headphones off his ears.

"Static," he said. "Ow."

He rubbed his hand over his ear as he handed the headphones back to her. Leia raised them to her ear but quickly replaced them as she heard the screeching that signaled another blank zone.

"You think he means…"

"Tonight?" Leia finished. She looked up at the chrono on the wall. 8:35. A little more than three hours before midnight.

"They could make it by the New Year," Luke said, a tone of wonder and joy in his tone she hadn't heard since rescuing him from Bespin. Leia smiled at him, probably the first full smile he'd seen since that day too.

"That would be just like him," she said. "Dramatic entrance in the eleventh hour."

Even as she joked, she felt her eyes fill with tears. It had been so long. Such a long, hard battle to this moment.

Luke nodded, solemnity overtaking his features. "Wouldn't that be something?"

* * *

 

Leia's hands shook as she put the finishing touches on her face. It took all her concentration to hold the little tube in her hand steady as she traced the shape of her lips.

He was coming.

She hadn't worn makeup since the day he left her. That garish costume that she had enjoyed so much when she'd first put it on and loathed as she stripped it off mere hours later. While Han had been gods knew where and she had been locked up in her chambers like a naughty child.

She had stared at her face in the mirror before the guards had come for her. Her red lips and rosy cheeks had seemed so at odds with the pallor of her clammy skin. She had angrily wiped it off right as the doors had swished open.

Leia was a practical person. She was neither vain nor petulant. She understood her duties. One of which was to look presentable, to put on a brave front for the troops who fought so hard for their cause. She hadn't meant to abandon those duties. It had just been all she could do to pull herself out of bed in the morning and plunge into another day.

It was selfish. Her father would not have approved. Of course, her father would not have approved of the reason for her sorrow at all. Han Solo was not the kind of man Bail would like.

Oh, he'd have respected him. He'd have recognized the bravery, ingenuity, and surprising selflessness Leia had seen in him from day one. (Once he had thoroughly proved her wrong.)

But, Bail would never have liked him. He was too brash, too mutable, too _. And even though he put his life on the line again and again, it wasn't for a greater cause but rather only for people he loved. Bail had been a man of vision, who could think beyond his own narrow life and devote himself to the lives of many. The only people he could truly love were those who shared that vision with him.

And Leia had. She did. She was in this war for all the right reasons and would devote her life to making sure those reasons were met. Han was in it for all the wrong reasons: their names were Leia, Luke and Chewie.

And Leia loved that fact more than anything else.

There was a coldness to the heroic kind of love. It was safe, and distant, and proper. Han's love was visceral and present and all about the energy that existed between two people. Him and her. Han and Leia. And no one else.

Leia hadn't realized how much she'd tired of sharing her loves with the great wide universe. Though it made her cringe, Leia wanted desperately one thing that was only for herself.

Her lipstick applied, Leia took in the picture she made. She looked older. Suddenly a woman, rather than a girl. But the effect wasn't unpleasant. She tried to imagine how he would react to this new, older Leia.

"Look at you," he'd murmur, fingers tracing the side of her face.

Leia would try not to cry. (Another thing Bail would not approve of), but as he pulled her in she would fail.

"Shhh…" he'd say into her hair. "It's alright. I'm here."

"Han," she'd say, relishing in the feeling. "Han," she'd say again, the word feeling exotic and so lovely, like the first rays of sun after a long space trip.

He would wait for her, stroking his hand over her hair, knowing she'd have more to say than that. And then she'd finally have her chance, she'd finally get to tell him the thing she'd wished she had said one hundred more times.

"I love you," she'd say. Over and over and over until she'd made up for every time he'd said it to her. She would say it until she didn't know the meaning anymore, until the words became nonsense things, strange to the ear and foreign to the tongue.

He would chuckle, clutching her tighter, pressing kisses to the crown of her head. "Say it again, Princess. Loud enough for everyone to hear."

"I love you," Leia would beam up at him. "I love you, I love you, I—"

The kiss would come swift and consuming. It might come sooner than that. Leia tried to imagine it. The brush of his lips, the sweep of his tongue, the vibration of the little sounds he made in this throat. But, the sensation was…blurry. She could almost recall it, then she couldn't quite capture the essence, couldn't quite hold onto the feel.

Leia felt a fear engulf her. What if she was forgetting? What if he would disappear from her memory, like her people, like her planet, like her parents?

It took a few moments, the edge of her chest of her drawers and some calming breaths for Leia to remember that she wouldn't need her memory after tonight. He would place he lips where they were meant to be at the stroke of twelve and they would begin a new era together.

She told herself this walking down the hallway. She told herself this nodding at the troops. She told herself this as she stood like a statue on a dais with the other members of command.

Every moment seemed an eternity as she waited for the call. The little beeping that would sound at her hip when they were in sight of the sentries. She knew there was nothing she could do, nothing she could do but wait in this sea of people, trusting that her rescue craft would arrive.

"Leia," Luke's voice snapped her out of her trance. "They've exited hyperspace. I can feel them again." The look on his face was pensive rather than joyous. But, Leia didn't wait to see it change. She took off like shot, streaking through the hallways and onto the hangar floor.

The Falcon wasn't in view yet, but she could almost swear she felt her too. A tingling familiarity, an ache of longing, and safety and home. Leia frowned before she smiled at her thought. That bucket of bolts a home? Oh how the mighty had fallen.

But fallen she had, for a man and his crew and his ridiculous ship. She practically bounced on her heels, staring through the blast doors up into the inky sky. But she didn't have long to wait as a twinkle became a blur then quickly morphed into the shape of the ship she so longed to see.

It roared as it came into the empty hanger sending blast of dust and steam toward them as it made its less than graceful landing. Leia's heart pounded in her chest as some far-off part of her remembered all the times she had greeted the Falcon in the past.

It was shocking to realize that up until this moment, she had never wanted him to know she was waiting for him. She would always have an excuse. "I'm just walking to a meeting, I'm doing checks with the pilots, Command wants to send you out again immediately" (her least favorite one). And Han would grin at her or scowl depending on his mood, but he would always stop what he was doing, gifting his full attention to her.

"So what you really mean to say is you missed me?"

And it would make her knees weak, her insides melt and a smile inevitably tug at her lips. She would forget why she'd come, she'd stutter, or blush and then find something to get mad at so she could escape before he saw too much.

This time there'd be no pretending. This time she would stand her ground. No. Throw herself into his arms and tell him how much she'd missed him, how much she loved him…

The hatch released with a hiss and Leia felt herself surge forward. Luke's hand on her arm didn't stop her, but it comforted her while the platform lowered.

She knew what she'd see, an exhausted crew, carrying a haggard man between them. Maybe he'd be looking down, but he'd glance up as they hit the hangar floor, used to finding her here every time he came h—

But the picture was wrong. _ somehow. She saw Lando, then Chewie, both looking as exhausted as she imagined but they were alone and a heaviness still on shoulders that had been so gloriously gone in her vision.

"Leia…" Luke murmured, just as she pulled away.

"Where is he?"

Her voice rang out clear and confident into the space. It startled her in the same way it startled the two spacers in front of her.

"Who?" Lando queried, as Chewie made a harrumphing sound.

"Han," she said, relying on that same voice again, of the politician, the Princess, the bitch. "I heard him on the comm. I heard him."

She was faltering. Her logic was too sharp, too precise to miss the bewilderment blooming on their faces and discomfort twitching through their expressions.

She shook her head and stepped onto the ramp, pushing past both traitor and Wookie, determined to outrun their blank stares and discover the truth.

She didn't call out his name. But she ran full tilt to his cabin. Heart pounding, hands slipping, she palmed the door and breathed in the familiar stale scent. Musk, and engine grease, and soap and…stale. The bed was empty, the lights were dim, and she could feel in her bones that he hadn't been here.

Shaking her head she darted back through the door and around the ship to the medical bunk. He had to be there. Maybe he was worse than she'd feared, maybe he was barely holding on, and they didn't want to tell her for fear that he'd drift away before she could—

Nothing. No one. Empty.

No. No. No.

Leia stood shaking as her two realities battled for dominance. The one that had heard his voice saying her name, claiming his love, promising to come home. And this one, the one before her full of empty beds and emptier promises.

"He isn't here."

Luke's voice was soothing and sounded so much older than it should have.

"I felt it when they entered the atmosphere, but it didn't make any sense. I thought maybe because of the carbonite, maybe his life force was weak…"

Leia nodded but couldn't bring herself to speak. Of course, he wasn't here. Of course, her heart had to break another time. Why did she fight so hard for this universe that only caused her so much unutterable pain?

She'd thought of giving up before. She was only human, despite what some of the flight crew said. She'd let her limbs give out, the water fill her lungs, and she'd sink down and down and down.

[Come here, little one.]

Chewie's words cut through her confusion, as a paw gently steered her back through to the common area.

Lando was there, looking grim. Why did everyone look that way around her? She only realized he was holding something when he leaned down and stuck it into a waiting R2. When had he arrived?

It was unintelligible at first, a cavalcade of sounds and static, racing images that fractured then formed into a face.

[He made it before we left Hoth. In case we didn't make it back.]

Lando picked up, "It was in the ship's system. We think it must have been coming through the comm, as the Nebula scrambled our frequencies…"

[It's for your eyes only,] Chewie said, warbling an order to depart to the other men.

Lando quickly complied, but Luke lingered. Leia could feel his eyes on her questing for assurances that she'd be alright, that he wasn't needed.

[Come on, cub. She's stronger than she looks.]

The old her would have taken issue with that, but this hollowed out version couldn't bring herself to care.

As soon as the door slid closed behind them, R2 bleeped inquisitively.

"Yes, R2," Leia rasped, "Please go ahead."

And there he was. Transluscent as a ghost, but undeniably him, almost exactly as she'd last seen him. A little hungrier perhaps, but hers. He glanced up at the camera, frowned a bit, adjusted something then took a breath.

"Hey, so if you're watching this…well, it ain't good for me. Probably ain't so good for you either. Don't really want to think about the inevitable, but…kinda hard not to. I knew what I was getting myself into with Jabba. I could handle that. It gets harder when it's not just yourself."

Something shifted in his eyes, his mouth softened just a bit.

"And, the truth is, it isn't. Just me."

He ran a flustered hand through his hair and looked off to the side.

"I know, I've made you mad. I know, maybe, I've hurt you. Look, I just couldn't have left if you were sweet. And I had to prepare you for the worst."

His gaze was back on her, through the lens of the camera, steady and laser focused.

"But, I want you to know, I never planned on staying away. The goal was to take care of this thing and come right back. Willingly throw myself back into the center of what might be the most hopeless cause in history because I…well, because Leia, I…I love you."

He looked mildly surprised by this, even though he'd clearly made the decision to say it.

"Yeah. Bet you didn't see that coming. Well, maybe you did. I didn't. Gods, I didn't. Thought I'd never be so lucky. Cause being around you. Even in your periphery, even when you don't like me - it's a privilege." There was a smile, heart stopping and maddening in equal measure. "You are…something else, you know that? Never met a woman like you, and never want to again."

Then he was serious again, pensive as he continued on.

"There is one thing I regret. I mean, there's a lot of things, but I'm being realistic here. A couple months ago you promised me something. You told me you'd kiss me one day. Well, looks like I'm gonna miss that day, sweetheart. Well, he will. The guy who ends up on the wrong end a rancor."

His bitter smile was short-lived, and suddenly he had the look of a fugitive, haunted and a little desperate.

"I could still make it. But if I don't. Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not there to help you keep that promise."

Leia's heart sank as he nodded with a certain flair of formality and reached toward the camera. Then he paused and leaned back again, an almost cheeky smile back in place.

"Hey, you know it was me right? I figured sometime later than I should've that you must've known. You're a helluva lot smarter than me. Can that kiss count? Can it count for all the kisses I'll never give you, all the moments we'll never share? Don't wanna pretend to be a poet here, but time kinda stopped after that night anyway. Maybe that can live, frozen in time."

The avid light left his eyes, and an almost paternal determination took its place.

"But you shouldn't, Princess. I'm assuming a lot here, but I think you might be a little sad right now. Think you called yourself broken once. Well, Leia, I'm here to tell you you're not broken. Not by Alderaan, not by Vader, and, sure as hell, not by me."

He leaned closer to the camera, and for a moment, Leia felt like he was right here with her.

"You're whole and strong and so damn good. It shines out of you, like the starlight that guides lonely spacers home. You're gonna live an extraordinary life. And a long one. So, pick yourself up, and face the universe again. And know that I believe in you. You gave me a reason to fight for something better. I want to be that reason for you."

The picture shook, and Han looked up, a frown marring his face once more. He looked down, gave a brief nod, and then the picture cut out.

Leia took a deep breath.

Then another.

She looked around the Falcon, listening to the hum of its systems, breathing the recycled air.

Forget swimming, forget meetings, forget saving face.

From now on she was flying.


End file.
